Ms. Details
The Strengths We Don't See
It took me three different jobs before I realized my biggest strength. I was in my late 20s and still remember sitting in a conference room when a coworker casually called me "Ms. Details." The first time I was called "Ms. Details," I brushed it off. The second time, I thought it was a coincidence. The third time? Well, that's when I finally started paying attention. My coworker didn't know that this was a name I'd heard before, yet they weren't surprised when I told them the story. I remember pausing, letting their lack of surprise sink in. Instead of dismissing them, I simply said “I guess I do notice the details…thank you for noticing!”
Looking back, it's humbling to think that it took three different workplaces and three different sets of colleagues for me to finally recognize something that had been there all along. After studying psychology in graduate school, I now realize that this makes perfect sense: it's really hard to recognize our own strengths—especially when we're young.
In psychology, self-concept is the knowledge we hold about ourselves. It's not always accurate. When self-concept is a shadow of our potential, we tend to stay small—or feel like imposters while we try to lean into our full potential. When our self-concept is too grandiose... well, you've seen people who fit that description, and it's not pleasant to be around someone with an inflated sense of self. Luckily, self-concept is a skill that can be finely tuned.
It’s Human Nature!
When most people receive positive feedback, they're quick to downplay it. Meanwhile, people tend to magnify every weakness, every mistake, every skill they don't have. It's human nature; our brain's negativity bias means we're wired to focus on where we need to improve rather than our strengths. Additionally, any feedback you provide your teen will always be “parent zoned” and ushered away because your teen believes “you’re just saying that.”
Think about it: A 14-, 15-, or 16-year-old is still figuring out who they are. Even more than adults, teens need mirrors—others reflecting back their strengths over and over until they finally see themselves. If you want your teen to recognize their skills, you must surround them with people and experiences that reflect back who they are. Over and over again.
“I’m not good at art, mom!”
My daughter drew this particular sketch when she was just 8 years old. She doesn’t think she’s anything impressive as an artist and would roll her eyes when I compliment her art. It took three years of me showing off her art to other people and having them gush over her work for my daughter to realize that maybe it’s not just mom being “extra” about her art.
For teens, self-concept is both the biggest challenge and the biggest asset for putting together a winning college application. The great news is that it's fairly easy to cultivate an accurate self-concept with the right mix of experiences and reflection. But here's the catch: teens can't develop strengths if they're not actively using them.
Creating an Echo Chamber of Strength: Leaning Into Potential
Now, more than ever, teens need to be lovingly nudged into the "real" world where they can collaborate with others to discover where their true strengths and interests shine. The more differentiated—or clearly defined—your teen's interests, the easier it'll be to put together an authentic application. This isn’t about quantity, it’s about quality. Teens don’t need overloaded resumes filled with activities that “sound” good. They need activities that cultivate their self-concept: strengths and interests!
Over the years, I've worked with at least a thousand teenagers on their college applications. The more active a teen is, the more they have to write about and reflect upon—that is, if they are meaningfully engaging in their activities. It's easy to spot a college application where activities are random and lack personal connection. These teens struggle to explain why they chose an activity because there really is no "why" beyond "it looked good." The same is why teens apply to certain colleges: "you're a great college" isn't going to make the cut.
When a teen has a strong self concept, they know what they want and where they want to go — even when they are undecided about their careers. This isn’t about knowing where your path leads, but knowing what tools you have to guide you on your path. And, with a strong self-concept, it’ll become obvious to admissions counselors that you’re a match because a strong self-concept radiates with clarity and confidence.
The First Step: Prep for the Prep
Our job as supportive adults is to create an echo chamber of strengths because this is where passion and self-concept grow. Think of building a cocoon for your child—an environment that nurtures their potential, amplifies their gifts, and helps them transition from caterpillar to butterfly by leaning into what makes them special. This is as true for a teenager as it is for a toddler. We want to help curate experiences where our teens lean into and learn to embody their potential. This is the first step—the prep for the college prep—and it's why it's so important to get your kids off screens and into real-world experiences. Trust me, if you look at how many hours your teen spends on their phone or tablet daily, even to study, you could easily find a thirty-minute window to do something meaningful.
The goal is not just to keep them busy but to help grow their self-concept. Trying new things, working alongside others, seeing firsthand where their natural talents echo back to them—that's where real confidence grows. Your teen has unique strengths waiting to be discovered. But they need the right environment to uncover them. They need opportunities to explore, collaborate, and see what they bring to the table. Because when they do? That's when they start to step into their potential.
And maybe, just maybe, after more experiences the echo chamber will resonate and they'll start saying thank you for noticing, too.
